Thank you.
For being the last memory
of what it once felt like
to feel safe to be myself.

So I could finally wake up to
the contrast of how
cold and calculated
these arms were – like snakes,
constricting, never tight enough
to feel safe or a constant tethered choking.

You were the last memory I
had of my sovereign self
reflected back at me –
before he tried to make me forget.
In a way, it seems I hid part of me in your memory.

But I never let myself actually look,
I rationalized it away –
because I think I knew how painful
it would be once I did.

So, I waited –
until it was the very last shadow left
that I needed to grieve, so that my wounds
could no longer be a knife for them.

But when I looked, it wasn’t just a shadow.
It was both transcendent & tragic at the same time.
I remembered that I had felt seen at least once,
and it was acting as a lighthouse
that led me through some of the darkest times.

I saw that the resentment towards you
being stored in my body was never actually mine,
it was his, the sadness, that was mine but it was okay –
because I could grieve it. So I did, and I let it go.

What I didn’t anticipate was that,
Once I let it go – a part of me resurfaced.
I had buried part of myself in your memory.
Partly from sadness, partly for safekeeping.

And when I retrieved that part,
I saw how my empathy became his sword,
he saw how deeply affected and vulnerable
I became at the thought of making
anyone feel the way I felt when I was raped.

And in an act of cruelty he made it his myth,
and spread the story like the good word.
So that the only person that could redeem my name was him.

Which you did too, but a lesser degree.
And if I remember correctly –
you immediately felt terrible about saying that.

But he perverted it by using both of our shame,
and made it so you no longer had control of your story either.

I may never understand why he painted me as a thief, a cop-kicker, a rapist, emotionally unstable, crazy, obsessive, manipulative, irresponsible, or wrote me as the chaos he embodies.
Why he wanted to breakdown every part of my identity,
in a way most people don’t make it out alive.

I knew that the truth would eventually reveal itself.
But, for so long, he made me believe that all of that
suffering was because of you.

I didn’t realize that the source was
sleeping next to me every night.
Because he never gave me a moment
to catch my breath to reflect.

Maybe deep down I knew to keep the enemy closer.
Or that I could be the one to serve justice.
I think he had the opportunity to do better,
and chose himself every time.

I know the snakes saw me as prey, and I let them reveal themselves.

While I used every predation as a lesson in the depth of suffering, discipline, humiliation, perseverance and cruelty –
to detach from my ego,
mask off and step into my power.

So, thank you for shattering the mirror,
that exposed every wound I had –
but also, for protecting my fire from going out
so I could one day find my way back to myself and learn
how to never have it used against me ever again.