I found a short poem I wrote
from fifteen years ago.
It was titled wild goose chase.

Like the dream I had 
when I slept over for the first time.

I fell asleep almost immediately, 
though I never sleep easy. 

We were sheltered beneath the soft 
architecture of blankets
And our lips met like a skyline
By glitching light of a VHS.

It felt like a dream
prepared just for me.
A cinematic polarity 
of feeling safe yet suspicious.

I thought to myself,
“How perfect my head 
fits in the curve of his chest”

Almost too perfect,
there must be a catch.
But the universe said
it wasn’t up to me to decide.

I remember wondering 
who was it set up for.
I didn’t even notice 
if you were nervous,

I was too self-aware
Trying to seem like I wasn’t.

The next morning 
I looked out the window,
wondering what that dream 
could have meant.

That I had chased before.
And you were the goose.

So I didn’t chase,
but I also didn’t not chase.
Because none of it made much sense.

I followed the wrong car
in a circle until it spun me out
right in front of you,
that first moment we locked eyes.

The poem said and if we happen 
to lose touch one day,
at least the waiting will stop.

And it did, but I forgot
a part of me to do so.
And because the other shoe
never dropped,
that part of me became a ghost.

Haunting me that the waiting stopped.
Because life just went on,
And it felt like trying to survive
never really stopped, either.

But I could only see myself,
As my mugshot.
And it seemed you made your choice,
and it wasn’t me.

But in my dreams, 
At least the few I’d remember.
You were there laughing with me
As the window pane between us
became a stick bug.
That started to dance. 

Or sitting in the passenger seat 
of a car you drove that
flew through the air.

I tried to erase you from my mind
because I didn’t understand any of it.

But when I was alone
And I’d look up at the sky,
the longer I’d stare
the more stars would appear.

And for a moment,
I’d think of you,
Because you would get it.
You always got it.

And in the moments,
when I felt alone
I knew someone,
somewhere out there 
would understand why.

And I always just hoped
that you were happy.
Even when I wasn’t.
Because the thought of you,
made me feel seen, 
even when I wasn’t.